My friend won't pay me back after I loaned her $2,500. How do I ask for repayment without ruining our friendship?

Dear For Love & Money,

I person a bully friend who was going done a financial hardship, and she asked maine for a loan. She assured maine she would salary maine backmost quickly. I'm young and don't person a batch of savings, truthful giving her $2,500 was astir of my buffer.

It's been months, and each clip I bring it up, she puts maine disconnected aliases changes the subject. I don't want to suffer my friendship! What should I do?

Sincerely,

Not a Loan Shark

Dear Not a Loan Shark,

I'm judge you've learned your lesson, truthful I won't hit you complete the caput pinch it, but for the remainder of my readers, I consciousness for illustration I should put the civilized of this communicative into words: Loaning money to our friends isn't ever a bully idea. If your friend is successful dire request of financial support and you tin spend to thief them, springiness them the money arsenic a gift.

I cognize this proposal whitethorn look harsh, but my logic for giving it is summed up successful your predicament: Healthy relationships person clear boundaries.

I learned this instruction from my ain hard-won acquisition pinch a friend. She and I shared 1 of those incredibly close, doing-life-together friendships wherever we hung retired and took our children places together, constantly. I began covering her dinners, her and her kids' tickets to events, and reimbursing her for much than a vessel of state immoderate clip she drove america anywhere, because that's what I ever did pinch friends.

But, successful my different friendships, this generosity was ever reciprocal, and our tabs ever astir balanced retired successful the end. Over time, however, I began to announcement that pinch this friend, the giving was only going 1 direction, and a dependable wall of resentment began to turn betwixt us.

Even backmost then, I recognized that I couldn't beryllium angry astatine personification for allowing maine to salary for things erstwhile I offered. And because I ne'er talked to her astir it, I tin only conjecture her motives for ne'er getting maine back, truthful I can't disregard her arsenic a bad personification either. We ne'er had a showdown complete the topic, but we grew isolated complete an accumulation of characteristic differences, including money, and I'm nary longer friends pinch this female who utilized to beryllium incredibly beloved to me.

As unfair arsenic it was, I recovered I struggled to respect personification who didn't understand the unspoken societal contract that the remainder of my friends and I understood intuitively.

You cognize what would person saved maine a batch of time, grief, and perchance our friendship? Boundaries — some soul ones, for illustration thinking, I paid for the zoo past time. She tin either get it this time, aliases we tin some salary for our ain going forward, and intelligibly communicating outer ones, for illustration saying, "Hey, since you're driving, I'm going to salary for lunch," alternatively than throwing money astatine her again and again, hoping she would travel suit.

Here's my advice: No matter really tight your friend's predicament is, you cannot give her money pinch the anticipation that she will salary you back. Setting this bound mightiness consciousness gross and unkind, but successful reality, you're protecting thing important to you: your narration pinch this person. Boundaries are a small for illustration fences; depending connected your perspective, they tin beryllium unwelcoming and controlling, but they besides service arsenic protective barriers. If you worth what you support down those barriers, why wouldn't you support it safe down a fence?

That said, I admit that it's excessively precocious for this lecture. Moving forward, successful my opinion, you person 2 choices: One, prioritize redeeming the friendship, and telephone the indebtedness a gift. Or two, consequence the friendship, and get your money back.

Before you make this decision, however, I would promote you to measure your friendship. On the 1 hand, possibly she's still the friend you emotion and trust, but she changes the taxable because she still doesn't person the money, and she's embarrassed and stressed.

On the different hand, your friend could person entitlement issues, pinch nary volition of paying you back, and she changes the taxable each clip successful hopes that you'll yet driblet the issue.

After reference some of those descriptions, which 1 feels much true?

If you determine to prioritize your friendship, reframing your position of the money arsenic a "gift" rather than a "loan," and accepting that the money is gone, whitethorn beryllium your champion stake for salvaging your relationship. There's apt a portion of you that feels betrayed by your friend, and justifiably so; $2,500 is nary mini sum. However, if you tin pat into the sympathy you felt for your friend erstwhile you first agreed to lend her the money, possibly you tin judge that her struggles are ongoing, and by giving her $2,500, you were an astonishing friend who helped her erstwhile she needed it most.

I must pass you that this whitethorn not prevention your friendship. Despite your champion efforts to positively reframe your indebtedness into an enactment of altruism, you mightiness person mislaid spot aliases respect for her anyway. Or, your relationship mightiness implode for a wholly unrelated reason, and you'll conscionable beryllium near knowing you gave $2,500 to personification you nary longer activity to connected the street. I dream this isn't the lawsuit for you, but it's important to see earlier you proceed.

You mentioned that you're young and that $2,500 was your emergency fund. Not getting the money backmost whitethorn person put you successful your ain financial jam. If this is the case, and you want accountability and repayment, it's clip for action two: Put your relationship connected the statement and get existent pinch your friend.

Set up a java day and make it clear from the infinitesimal she sits down that you're location to discuss 1 thing: the loan. Be direct, punctual her that it was a loan, not a gift, explicate the business she's put you in, and inquire her to travel up pinch a scheme to salary you back. You can't unit her to unfastened her wallet, but you tin relentlessly redirect her if she tries to alteration the subject. You tin do each of this arsenic mildly arsenic possible, successful an effort to sphere the friendship, but successful the end, for illustration you, your friend will make her ain choices.

No matter what, this speech will apt beryllium awkward and unpleasant. It mightiness extremity your narration — either successful the bang of a conflict aliases the whimper of things betwixt you becoming unbearably weird. That doesn't mean it isn't the correct thing. For some of you.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

An earlier type of this article was primitively published successful September 2022.

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