I'm the same age my father was when he died. Getting older has been more emotional than I expected.

The twelvemonth I turned 51, I wasn't reasoning astir getting older. I was reasoning astir my dad.

Fifty-one was the past day he ever celebrated, and arsenic my ain day sewage closer, I couldn't shingle the thought that I was astir to go the property he ne'er lived past.

When my dad died, I was 24, and 51 seemed old. It felt for illustration an property that belonged to parents, not thing I would ever person to deliberation astir for myself.

I surely ne'er imagined that astir 30 years later, I'd beryllium staring astatine that number connected my birthday cake and emotion affectional astir it.

The trips I'll ne'er forget

Some of my favourite memories pinch my dada were our trips backmost to Berlin to sojourn my grandparents. I was a first-generation American, and each summertime we'd spell backmost to Germany.

It was often conscionable the 2 of america walking together, and I loved having that clip pinch him. Germany ne'er felt overseas to me. I said the language, my grandparents were there, and it felt for illustration different home.

Germany was still divided then, and I retrieve seeing soldiers carrying instrumentality guns everyplace and the Berlin Wall that trim correct done the metropolis pinch towers and much guns.

I was excessively young to really understand what was happening, but I was ne'er scared. My dada was pinch me, and that was enough. Looking back, I recognize those trips were immoderate of my happiest memories pinch him.

After he died, those were the memories I held onto. I missed the airplane rides, proceeding German each astir me, seeing my grandparents, and having my dada each to myself.

I thought that's what condolences would ever consciousness like: missing my dada and wishing we had 1 much travel to Berlin together.

The day I ne'er expected to dread

No 1 had ever told maine that condolences could travel backmost truthful difficult decades later. People pass you astir the first birthdays, Father's Day, aliases the first Christmas aft you suffer a parent. Those are hard, and you expect them to be. I wasn't expecting a day almost 3 decades later to extremity maine successful my tracks.

As that day sewage closer, I recovered myself reasoning little astir getting older and much astir everything my dada ne'er sewage to do. He ne'er walked maine down the aisle. He ne'er met my husband. He ne'er held my boy aliases my daughter. He ne'er saw maine commencement my ain business, constitute books, speak connected stages, spot maine connected TV, aliases build a profession that I love.

For the first time, I stopped reasoning astir my dada arsenic conscionable my dad. I started reasoning astir the life he ne'er sewage to finish.

When I was little, 51 seemed old. At 51, I realized really young it really is. I still had dreams I wanted to chase, places I wanted to travel, and truthful overmuch life I was looking guardant to. That's erstwhile it yet deed maine really overmuch life my dada ne'er sewage to live.

Seeing my dada differently

I've since learned I'm not the only 1 who has felt this. One of my champion friends mislaid her mom erstwhile she was successful her 40s and her dada successful his 50s. Reaching those birthdays brought backmost condolences she thought she'd worked done years earlier. My relative is 54, and because his begetter died astatine 57, he's uncovering himself reasoning astir that day much and more.

It's thing group don't really talk about, but erstwhile I mention it, I recognize really galore group who person knowledgeable it understand what that means.

Today, birthdays don't fuss maine the measurement they utilized to. If anything, they've go a reminder that getting older is simply a privilege. Every twelvemonth I get to walk pinch my hubby and my kids is 1 much twelvemonth my dada ne'er got.

I'm older now than my dada ever sewage to be. If turning 51 taught maine anything, it's this: increasing older isn't thing to fear. It's a gift.

My dada ne'er sewage that gift. I don't intend to discarded mine.